TV Watch

'Survivor: Tocantins' Recap: One Tribe Member Gets Licked

Coach schools rival Candace on the fine art of face-licking, while Psycho Sandy turns the immunity challenge into her own personal rodeo.

TAKING HIS LICKS Coach tried to take "kiss and make up" to the extreme

Monty Brinton/CBS

By Dalton Ross

Dalton Ross

Dalton Ross is an Assistant Managing Editor at EW and would feel a whole lot better if you would stop looking at his picture.

I take it all back. Every single word of it. Remember last week when I talked about how I wished Carolina was still around instead of Psycho Sandy because I wasn't a big fan of the obviously mentally unstable middle-aged female contestant (à la Kathy from Micronesia and Wanda from Palau)? Well, I wasn't. Until, that is, one of them started ripping clothes off of a younger contestant and then used the young woman's buff as reins to ride her like horse!!! Wait, no way is three exclamation points enough to do that justice. Allow me to tack on a few more for emphasis. (!!!!!!!!!) Giddyup, cowgirl! That's all it took. 10 paces or no 10 paces, I am now officially on Team Sandy. (Although I am hoping everyone on Team Sandy will be issued some sunglasses to protect our eyes from her blinding over-bleached teeth.) It was perhaps one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen happen in the middle of a Survivor challenge. Imagine LeBron James picking up an opponent and spinning him on his finger like a basketball in the middle of play. It just doesn't happen! And I can't believe I just compared Pyscho Sandy to LeBron James.

As usual, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's take it from the top. Speaking of tops, DID I MENTION HOW SANDY USED ERINN'S AS REINS TO RIDE HER LIKE A HORSE?!? Sorry, I couldn't help it. It was too easy. I'll control myself from here on out. Okay, deep breath. Usually, Survivors make it till at least episode 3 before they take to eating bugs, but here we are on day 4 and Joe from Timbira is going all Gymkata on a termite mound, smashing the sucker to bits and picking up whatever survived. Not to be outdone, Spencer then asked to bite the head off a worm.

It was about at this point when Sierra decided to drive me insane by partaking in one of my Survivor pet peeves and telling someone (in this case, Brendan) about the hidden immunity idol at camp. Her stupidity was compounded when she and Brendan began digging for the idol without posting a lookout! Sure enough, who should come strolling over but ''I trust everyone!'' Debra. (I will give credit where credit is due, though: Nice save by Sierra to say they were merely building a massive fire pit, even though that would serve basically no purpose whatsoever and there is no reason for anyone to be digging at camp except to find a HII.)

But the drama at Timbira was just getting started. Any Survivor season doesn't truly begin until contestants start arguing over the proper preparation of food. Tocantins' first debate between Candace and Coach was about how to correctly cook rice and beans. At least I think it was. Honestly, I was so distracted by Candace's futile attempts to cover up her two large floatation devices with a jacket that I'm not 100 percent positive what they were talking about. Their argument ultimately culminated with Candace giving herself props for walking away while letting us know that ''in real life, like, I would have broke him down to his psyche.'' I'm not quite sure what that means. Coach eventually tried to mend fences by telling Candace, ''I don't want to fight with you. I just want to kiss you,'' although if you ask me, that sounds more like the title of a Bell Biv DeVoe song than an actual apology. He then followed that up by - and I'm not making this up - trying to lick her face. I know I already dubbed this guy Seagalimotion (for having a haircut somewhere in between Steven Seagal and Keyboardist #2 from Animotion), but neither the great martial arts master nor the new wave one hit wonders ever stooped to face licking (that I know of). And another thing: What's the deal with...

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled column to bring you the following tip for winning the game of ''Survivor''. When looking to give your fellow competitors a reason to want to hand you win a million bucks, make sure to tell them that your husband is a famous football player who has already earned millions and millions of dollars for playing a different game. They call this the ''Anti-Hogeboom Technique,'' and it is sure to elicit tons and tons of sympathy votes from people who will want to make sure you have enough money to burn in your fireplace in winter to keep the house properly heated. Well, played, Taj. The only thing that could make your case any more compelling for cold hard cash is if you also used to perform in a Grammy-nominated soul group. Might want to get to work on that. We now return you to your regularly scheduled ''Survivor'' column, already in progress....

...and that's why Coach reminds me of why I 'm slightly revolted by the thought of Lik-m-aid Fun Dip. But enough about that - it's challenge time! And what a challenge it was. It was one of those challenges where everyone is tackling everyone in the water, and it was tailor made for all viewers: The straight women and gay men got to watch hardcore dude-on-dude wrestling, while hetero men and lesbians got to watch wet girl-on-girl action. Everybody wins!

Candace got things started by tossing Sydney into the water like a rag doll and then scoring the first basket for Timbira. Sandy then rode Erinn like the Kentucky Derby, only to watch Tyson give Timbira a 2-0 lead. Then it was time for the all-woman match, which at one point featured Taj impersonating her husband by throwing off Candace like a running back sniffing the end zone. Jalapao won that round as well as the all-male affair and the tiebreaker to score their first immunity victory. They took their immunity idol and fishing gear and then elected to send Brendan to Exile Island. But wait, there's a twist! Not only was Brendan going to Exile, but he got to pick someone from Jalapao to go with him. And that someone was Taj. Why Taj? No freakin' clue. (Maybe he wanted Eddie George's autograph?) But before we could follow Brendan and Taj to Exile Island, we were treated to city slicker Stephen discussing his man-crush on country boy J.T. ''He might just be seducing me with his pretty country ways,'' said Stephen as J.T. showed him how to fish, ''but I'm smitten.'' Holy crap! Do you know what we have here? It's the new Charlie and Marcus! I can't wait till they're frolicking on the beach together at Ponderosa filming their big honeymoon video.

Finally at Exile, Brendan and Taj were told to each pick an urn. Taj found nothing in hers, but Brendan got a message telling him about immunity idols hidden at the ''tribal homelands.'' I have to admit it, when Brendan couldn't figure out that tribal homelands meant where the two tribes live, I was seriously regretting making him my episode #1 pick to win it all. Maybe it wasn't quite as bad as not knowing what a pace is, but it was close. Damn close. He then got swindled by Taj into showing him the clue (usually a huge mistake but at least she explained to him that the idols were back at the camps). Had Brendan actually decided to switch tribes as well then he would have hit the full trifecta of stupidity.

Brendan did redeem himself somewhat by telling his tribe that Taj, not he, had gotten the urn with the clue (although that could come back to haunt him once tribe shake-ups start happening). But there wasn't too much attention on him and Exile because the tribe was too busy lunging for each other's throats. Candace wanted Coach gone. Coach wanted Candace gone. And Sierra wanted to sit back and look depressed while everyone else figured out what the hell to do.

Tribal Council was just...weird. First you had perhaps the oddest T.C. argument ever as Erinn and Debra debated whether they could build trust with people they had just met. Then you had Seagalimotion pretending he was working the runway at Fashion Week by strutting up to cast his vote with a jacket slung over his shoulder. Dude, unless you're going to do a magic trick and conjure a rabbit out of the voting urn, you do not need a jacket up there. Even Probst couldn't help but cast a subtle smirk. In the end, Candace (or ''Candance'' as Jerry wrote down) was voted out unanimously, which had to kinda, like, break her down to her psyche. Put quite simply, she got licked.

There were no huge moments in this episode. There was no hardcore strategy talk. And there was considerably little pixelated private parts for a challenge that revolved around contestants tearing each other's clothes off. But it was a satisfying episode nonetheless. We're getting a sense of some of the personalities in the game and they are intriguing ones. I don't know if it will be the slam dunk season that Probst has been promising, but it at least seems to hold more promise than Gabon did. Wait, did someone mention Probst? I did, because it's time to remind you to read his latest EW.com blog entry. And of course make sure to spend the 60 seconds it takes to view our exclusive deleted scene from last night's episode below. Lastly, don't forget to check back Friday afternoon for Survivor Talk. This week I'll be joined by not only Candace, but a super secret mystery guest/former Survivor-one who has proven to be very polarizing to fans. And if you missed last week's installments with Carolina and Survivor: Gabon's Charlie, just keep watching the video player below and you'll see them in all their awkward glory. (I'm very proud of my Marcus impersonation, by the way. Worked all week on it.)

Okay, posters. You know who runs the show here-you do! Are you loving or loathing Psycho Sandy? Is letting Coach lick you worth a million dollars? Have you ever seen a Survivor less excited to be there than Sierra? And what do you think so far of Survivor: Tocantins? The message boards are open for business. Post early and post often! And something to keep in mind: A lot of people from the world of Survivor - from the host to the producers to the contestants (past and present) - read these here boards. You want to sound off about something? This is the place. Take advantage of it. I'll make sure to put a note up there once Survivor Talk goes live. See ya next week!